My First Day as Irving Principal (or as we described it years later)

Delia: Well Rick, I'd like to welcome you to Irving . Carol  hired me as secretary this year so I know almost as little about this school as you. Rick: Look Delia, if you're the secretary, you must know all the teachers. Delia: I certainly do. Rick: Well you know I've never met the staff. So you'll have to tell me their names, and then I'll know who's teaching at the school. Delia: Oh, I'll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me they give these teachers now-a-days very peculiar names. You know like the names they give students Rick: You mean funny names? Delia: Strange names, weird names...like We had  one student  who’s mother said they named her at the hospital so she didn’t have to name her. Rick: What was her name?. Delia: Fe mal e (Fem mal lee). Rick: And then I had one who sold counterfeit lunch tickets, the kid made me sick. Delia: His name? Rick: Roark. Delia: Any other strange names? Rick: Yes, one who thought it was cool when all the kids stood, put their hands over their hearts, and said her name. Delia: And she was…? Rick: Liberty Ann Justice Delia: The teacher’s names are strange too. Let's see, we have in the primary grades, Who's in first, What's in second, I Don't Know is in third... Rick: That's what I want to find out. Delia: I say Who’s in first, What’s in second, I Don't Know’s in third. Rick: Are you the secretary? Delia: Yes. Rick: You gonna be in the school too? Delia: Yes. Rick: And you don't know the teachers' names? Delia: Well I should. Rick: Well then who’s in first? Delia: Yes. Rick: I mean the teacher's name. Delia: Who. Rick: The gal in first. Delia: Who. Rick: The first grade teacher. Delia: Who. Rick: The gal teaching... Delia: Who is in first! Rick: I'm asking YOU who’s in first. Delia: That's the woman's name. Rick: That's who's name? Delia: Yes. Rick: Well go ahead and tell me. Delia: That's it. Rick: That's who? Delia: Yes. PAUSE Rick: Look, you gotta first grade teacher? Delia: Certainly. Rick: Who's teaching first? Delia: That's right. Rick: When the teacher is first grade comes to the office who makes the copies? Delia: Every one of them. Rick: All I'm trying to find out is the gal's name in first grade. Delia: Who. Rick: The gal that copies... Delia: That's it. Rick: Who makes the copies... Delia: She does, every one. Sometimes her aide comes down and makes them. Rick: Who’s aide? Delia: Yes. PAUSE Delia: What's wrong with that? Rick: Look, all I wanna know is when you give copy paper  to  the first grade teacher, how does she sign her voucher? Delia: Who. Rick: The gal. Delia: Who. Rick: How does she sign... Delia: That's how she signs it. Rick: Who? Delia: Yes. PAUSE Rick: All I'm trying to find out is what's the gal's name in first grade. Delia: No. What is in second grade. Rick: I'm not asking you who's in second. Delia: Who’s in first. Rick: One grade at a time! Delia: Well, don't change the teachers around. Rick: I'm not changing nobody! Delia: Take it easy, buddy. Rick: I'm only asking you, who's the gal in first grade? Delia: That's right. Rick: Ok. Delia: All right. PAUSE Rick: What's the gal's name in first grade? Delia: No. What is in second. Rick: I'm not asking you who's in second. Delia: Who’s in first. Rick: I don't know. Delia: She's in third, we're not talking about her. Rick: Now how did I get in third grade? Delia: Why you mentioned her name. Rick: If I mentioned the third grade teacher's name, who did I say is teaching third? Delia: No. Who's teaching first. Rick: What's in first? Delia: What’s in second. Rick: I don't know. Delia: She's in third. Rick: There I go, back in third again! PAUSE Rick: Would you just stay in third grade and don't go off it. Delia: All right, what do you want to know? Rick: Now who's teaching third grade? Delia: Why do you insist on putting Who in third grade? Rick: What am I putting in third. Delia: No. What is in second. Rick: You don't want who in second? Delia: Who is in first. Rick: I don't know. Delia & Rick Together:Third grade! PAUSE Rick: Look, you got upper grades? Delia: Sure. Rick: The 4th grade teacher's name? Delia: Why. Rick: I just thought I'd ask you. Delia: Well, I just thought I'd tell ya. Rick: Then tell me who's teaching 4th grade. Delia: Who's teaching first. Rick: I'm not... stay out of the lower grades! I want to know what's the gal’s name in 4th ? Delia: No, What is in second. Rick: I'm not asking you who's in second. Delia: Who’s in first! Rick: I don't know. Delia & Rick Together: Third grade! PAUSE Rick: The 4th grade teacher’s name? Delia: Why. Rick: Because! Delia: Oh, she's 5th grade. PAUSE Rick: Look, You gotta 6th grade in this school? Delia: Sure. Rick: The 6th grade teacher’s name? Delia: Tomorrow. Rick: You don't want to tell me today? Delia: I'm telling you now. Rick: Then go ahead. Delia: Tomorrow! Rick: What time? Delia: What time what? Rick: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's in 6th? Delia: Now listen. Who is not in 6th. Rick: I'll send you downtown, if you say who’s in first! I want to know what's the 6th grade teacher's name? Delia: What’s in second. Rick: I don't know. Delia & Rick Together: Third grade! PAUSE Rick: Gotta a kindergarten? Delia: Certainly. Rick: The teacher's name? Delia: Today. Rick: Today, and tomorrow's in 6th. Delia: Now you've got it. Rick: All we got is a couple of days in the school. PAUSE Rick: You know I like to visit  classes. Delia: So they tell me. Rick: I need an excuse to get in the classrooms.  You make up some flyers and put them in stacks and I take one stack up the hallway to  Tomorrow's room. Now me, being a good principal, I'm gonna take the next stack to the gal down in first grade. So I pick up a stack and take them to who? Delia: Now that's the first thing you've said right. Rick: I don't even know what I'm talking about! PAUSE Delia: That's all you have to do. Rick: Is to take a stack to first grade. Delia: Yes! Rick: Now who's got it? Delia: Naturally. PAUSE Rick: Look, if I take the flyers to first grade, somebody's gotta get them. Now who has it? Delia: Naturally. Rick: Who? Delia: Naturally. Rick: Naturally? Delia: Naturally. Rick: So I pick up a stack and I take it to Naturally. Delia: No you don't, you take a stack to Who. Rick: Naturally. Delia: That's different. Rick: That's what I said. Delia: You're not saying it... Rick: I take a stack to Naturally. Delia: You take it  to Who. Rick: Naturally. Delia: That's it. Rick: That's what I said! Delia: You ask me. Rick: I take a stack to who? Delia: Naturally. Rick: Now you ask me. Delia: You take a stack to Who? Rick: Naturally. Delia: That's it. Rick: Same as you! Same as YOU! I take a stack to who. Whoever is not there so I take three  stacks to second. Who picks up her stack from What. What takes a stack to I Don't Know. I Don't Know has extras and takes to Tomorrow,  I come back and get three more stacks and take one to Because.. Why? I don't know! She's in third and I don't give a damn! Delia: What? Rick: I said I don't give a damn! Delia: Oh, she’s our counselor.